Introduction
Domestic violence doesn’t just harm the direct victim—it profoundly affects the children who witness it. Many parents stay in abusive relationships out of fear that leaving will disrupt their children’s lives, but research shows that exposure to domestic violence can have long-term psychological effects on children, even if they are never physically harmed.

In When Dad Hurts Mom, Lundy Bancroft, a leading expert on abusive men and domestic violence, explains how abuse impacts children and what mothers can do to help them heal. He provides practical strategies for parenting after abuse, breaking the cycle of violence, and raising emotionally healthy children.

This blog post summarizes key insights from When Dad Hurts Mom, focusing on how domestic violence affects children, why leaving an abuser is only the first step, and how mothers can help their children recover from trauma.

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The Hidden Impact of Domestic Violence on Children

Many people assume that children are unaffected by domestic abuse if they are not directly hit. However, Bancroft reveals that even witnessing abuse can be deeply damaging, shaping a child’s emotional development, self-esteem, and future relationships.

Key ways domestic violence affects children:

• Emotional and Behavioral Issues
  • Children exposed to abuse often develop anxiety, depression, aggression, or emotional withdrawal.
  • They may struggle with self-blame, guilt, or fear for their mother’s safety.
• Problems with Self-Esteem and Identity
  • Boys who witness abuse may believe that dominance and aggression are normal in relationships.
  • Girls may grow up believing that being submissive and accommodating is the only way to stay safe in relationships.
• Difficulties in Relationships and Trust
  • Many children from abusive homes struggle to form healthy attachments, fearing betrayal or harm.
  • Some may replicate abusive patterns in their own future relationships, either as victims or perpetrators.

Bancroft emphasizes that children don’t just “get over” domestic violence—they need intentional healing and support.

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Why Leaving an Abuser Is Only the First Step

While escaping an abusive partner is essential, Bancroft warns that leaving alone does not automatically undo the harm done to children.

Common struggles children face even after the abuser is gone:

• Loyalty Conflicts
  • Some children still love or idealize their abusive parent, making them conflicted about who to believe.
  • The abuser may manipulate them by playing the victim, blaming the mother, or using gifts to win their affection.
• Lasting Fear and Anxiety
  • Even if the abuser is no longer in the home, children may still live in fear that he will return or retaliate.
  • Some may develop nightmares, PTSD, or extreme sensitivity to anger or loud voices.
• Repeating Abusive Patterns
  • Without intervention, boys are more likely to become abusers, and girls are more likely to end up in abusive relationships.
  • Addressing these patterns early helps prevent the cycle from continuing.

Bancroft stresses that mothers play a critical role in helping their children unlearn the harmful messages from an abusive home.

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How Mothers Can Help Their Children Heal

Bancroft provides practical, research-backed strategies to help children recover from the trauma of witnessing domestic violence.

1. Validate Their Feelings and Experiences

• Many children bury their emotions or believe they have to “be strong”.
• Encouraging them to express their fears, sadness, or anger in a safe space is essential.
• Let them know: “What happened was not your fault, and your feelings are valid.”

2. Help Them Understand Abuse for What It Is

• Abusive men often manipulate children into thinking the abuse wasn’t real or wasn’t serious.
• Mothers can counteract this by teaching:
  • “Hurting others is never okay, no matter what.”
  • “Love does not mean control or fear.”

3. Rebuild Their Sense of Safety

• Stability is crucial—consistent routines, predictable rules, and emotional reassurance help children feel secure.
• If possible, ensuring the abuser has no legal or physical access to the child may be necessary for safety.

4. Teach Healthy Relationship Skills

• Help children learn how to set boundaries, express their needs, and resolve conflicts without aggression.
• Encourage friendships and relationships that are based on respect and mutual care.

5. Seek Professional Support

• Trauma-informed therapy, child counseling, or support groups can help children process their emotions in a healthy way.
• Mothers should also seek support for themselves, as their healing directly impacts their children’s recovery.

Bancroft reminds mothers that healing takes time, but every step taken toward rebuilding safety and trust makes a difference.

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The Challenges of Co-Parenting with an Abuser

One of the hardest parts of leaving an abusive relationship is that many women are still legally required to share custody with their abuser.

Common tactics abusive fathers use after separation:

• Using the Legal System to Maintain Control
  • Abusers often drag mothers into endless custody battles, weaponizing the courts to exhaust and intimidate them.
  • Some falsely accuse mothers of being “alienating” or “emotionally unstable” to gain custody.
• Manipulating the Children
  • Many abusers act like the “fun parent” by spoiling the child, while undermining the mother’s authority.
  • Others pressure children into believing their mother is to blame for the separation.
• Continuing Emotional or Psychological Abuse
  • Abusers may threaten the mother through the children, using visits to send messages, instill fear, or gather information.
  • Some deliberately expose children to dangerous or inappropriate situations to harm the mother indirectly.

Bancroft advises mothers to:

• Document everything – Keep records of concerning behavior, threats, and violations of court agreements.
• Seek legal support – Domestic violence-informed lawyers and advocates can help navigate custody disputes.
• Educate children about manipulation – Teaching them how to recognize emotional abuse helps reduce the abuser’s influence.

While co-parenting with an abuser is extremely challenging, Bancroft emphasizes that a strong, stable, and emotionally available mother can still make a profound impact on a child’s healing.

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Key Takeaways for Mothers and Survivors

1. Even if children aren’t physically abused, witnessing domestic violence deeply impacts their development and emotional well-being.
2. Leaving an abuser is only the first step—children need ongoing support to process and heal from their experiences.
3. Validating children’s feelings, providing stability, and teaching healthy relationship skills are crucial steps toward recovery.
4. Abusive fathers often manipulate children and weaponize the legal system—mothers must stay vigilant and seek support.
5. A mother’s healing journey directly influences her children’s healing—self-care and professional help benefit the entire family.

Bancroft’s message is clear: Mothers can’t erase what their children have been through, but they can help them heal, build resilience, and break free from the cycle of abuse.

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Conclusion

When Dad Hurts Mom is an essential book for mothers trying to help their children recover from the trauma of domestic violence. Bancroft provides practical, research-backed guidance on parenting after abuse, breaking toxic patterns, and raising emotionally healthy children.

For survivors struggling with how to support their children, this book offers hope, clarity, and a path toward healing. No child is doomed to repeat the cycle of violence—with love, support, and safety, they can grow into strong, healthy, and compassionate individuals.

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References

• Bancroft, L. (2005). When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse.
• Snyder, R. L. (2019). No Visible Bruises: What We Don’t Know About Domestic Violence Can Kill Us.
• NiCarthy, G. (1986). Getting Free: You Can End Abuse and Take Back Your Life.