Introduction
Leaving an abusive relationship is often seen as the hardest part of the journey—but what comes next? Many survivors escape the physical dangers of abuse, only to find themselves struggling emotionally, financially, and psychologically. They may experience fear, self-doubt, grief, and even an urge to return to the abuser.

In It’s My Life Now, Meg Kennedy Dugan and Roger R. Hock provide a step-by-step guide for rebuilding life after abuse. The book focuses on the emotional, practical, and psychological challenges survivors face once they leave, offering concrete strategies for healing, self-rebuilding, and creating a future free from abuse.

This blog post summarizes key insights from It’s My Life Now, exploring how to cope with post-abuse trauma, develop self-worth, establish independence, and build healthy relationships after escaping an abusive situation.

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Understanding the Emotional Aftermath of Abuse

Even after leaving, many survivors continue to feel the effects of their abusive relationship. This is because abuse rewires the brain, erodes self-esteem, and creates emotional dependencies that do not immediately disappear after the relationship ends.

Common emotional struggles survivors face after leaving an abusive relationship:

• Self-Doubt and Confusion
  • Many survivors question their decision to leave and wonder if they overreacted.
  • Abusers often instill deep self-doubt, making victims feel like they can’t trust their own judgment.
• Trauma Bonding and the Urge to Return
  • Abuse creates a strong emotional attachment between the victim and the abuser.
  • The abuser may apologize, promise to change, or use guilt to pull the victim back in.
• Guilt and Shame
  • Survivors may feel guilty for leaving, breaking up their family, or “giving up” on their partner.
  • Society often reinforces this by asking “Why didn’t you just leave sooner?” instead of holding abusers accountable.
• Fear of the Unknown
  • Many survivors feel lost, alone, and unsure of how to start over.
  • Financial struggles, lack of support, or legal battles over children can make rebuilding life overwhelming.

Dugan and Hock emphasize that these emotions are normal, but they do not define your future—recovery is possible with time, effort, and support.

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Rebuilding Self-Worth and Identity After Abuse

Abusive relationships strip away a person’s sense of self. Survivors often lose touch with their own needs, desires, and personal identity because they were conditioned to prioritize their abuser’s demands.

Steps to rebuild self-worth and rediscover identity:

1. Recognize That You Deserve a Better Life

• Survivors often struggle with internalized messages from their abuser, believing they are unworthy of happiness.
• The first step in healing is challenging these beliefs and recognizing your own worth.

2. Reconnect with Your Own Interests and Passions

• Many survivors lose touch with their hobbies, goals, and personal interests.
• Trying new activities, exploring old passions, or setting small personal goals can help rebuild identity.

3. Develop Self-Compassion

• Survivors often have negative self-talk, blaming themselves for what happened.
• Learning to speak kindly to yourself and practice self-forgiveness is essential.

4. Establish Healthy Boundaries

• After experiencing control and manipulation, many survivors struggle to set boundaries in new relationships.
• Practicing saying no, prioritizing personal needs, and recognizing red flags helps prevent future toxic relationships.

Dugan and Hock reassure survivors that healing is a journey, not a destination—every small step forward is progress.

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Overcoming Trauma and PTSD After Abuse

Many survivors of abuse experience post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or complex PTSD (CPTSD), which can cause flashbacks, anxiety, depression, and difficulty trusting others.

Ways to cope with trauma and PTSD:

• Therapy and Professional Support
  • Trauma-informed therapy, such as EMDR, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), or somatic therapy, can help survivors process their experiences.
• Mindfulness and Grounding Techniques
  • Deep breathing, meditation, and journaling help manage triggers and reduce emotional distress.
• Creating a Sense of Safety
  • Many survivors live in a constant state of hypervigilance, expecting danger at every turn.
  • Establishing a stable, predictable routine and surrounding yourself with supportive people helps create emotional safety.
• Understanding Triggers and Developing Coping Strategies
  • Recognizing what situations, words, or behaviors trigger past trauma helps survivors prepare for emotional responses.
  • Learning healthy ways to self-soothe (e.g., taking a walk, listening to music, practicing deep breathing) can reduce the impact of triggers.

Dugan and Hock stress that healing from trauma takes time, but with the right support, survivors can regain peace and emotional stability.

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Creating a Healthy, Independent Future

For many survivors, the biggest challenge after leaving abuse is creating a stable, independent life.

Steps for rebuilding a secure future:

1. Establish Financial Independence

• Many survivors struggle with finances after leaving, especially if the abuser controlled money.
• Budgeting, finding employment, and accessing financial resources can help regain financial security.

2. Build a Strong Support System

• Isolation is one of the biggest risk factors for returning to an abuser.
• Joining support groups, reconnecting with friends and family, and seeking community resources provide emotional strength.

3. Set Healthy Relationship Standards

• Many survivors fear trusting again after an abusive relationship.
• Learning what a healthy relationship looks like—mutual respect, trust, and emotional safety—prepares survivors for future connections.

4. Take Small, Consistent Steps Forward

• The pressure to immediately “have everything figured out” can feel overwhelming.
• Focusing on one step at a time—finding housing, getting therapy, reconnecting with hobbies—creates lasting change.

Dugan and Hock remind survivors that life after abuse is not just about survival—it is about thriving and creating a future filled with self-love, peace, and fulfillment.

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Key Takeaways from It’s My Life Now

1. Leaving abuse is only the first step—healing requires rebuilding self-worth, processing trauma, and creating a new life.
2. Many survivors experience self-doubt, trauma bonding, and guilt after leaving—it’s important to challenge these emotions.
3. Reclaiming identity and independence involves rediscovering passions, setting boundaries, and developing self-compassion.
4. Therapy, mindfulness, and supportive relationships can help survivors cope with PTSD and emotional wounds.
5. Healing is a process, but every small step toward self-empowerment leads to a brighter future.

Dugan and Hock’s message is clear: Your past does not define you—you have the strength to build a life of happiness, freedom, and self-love.

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Conclusion

It’s My Life Now is an essential guide for survivors navigating life after an abusive relationship. Dugan and Hock provide practical advice, emotional support, and psychological insights to help survivors heal, rebuild their identity, and create a future of independence and self-respect.

For those who have left abuse but still feel lost or overwhelmed, this book offers clarity, validation, and a roadmap to a fulfilling life free from fear and control.

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References

• Dugan, M. K., & Hock, R. R. (2000). It’s My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence.
• Carnes, P. (1997). The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships.
• Forward, S., & Torres, J. (1986). Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them.