Introduction
Why do some men abuse their partners? Many survivors of abuse struggle to understand why their abuser behaves the way they do. Is it anger, stress, childhood trauma, or mental illness? Can they change if they truly want to?

In Why Does He Do That?, Lundy Bancroft, a leading expert on abusive men, shatters the myths surrounding abuse and reveals the real reasons why abusers act the way they do. Through years of experience working with abusive men, Bancroft explains that abuse is not about emotions—it’s about power, control, and entitlement.

This blog post summarizes key insights from Why Does He Do That?, exploring the mindset of abusive men, the tactics they use to maintain control, and what survivors need to know about healing and moving forward.

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The Core Truth: Abuse Is a Choice, Not a Loss of Control

One of the biggest misconceptions about abusive men is that they lose control when they get angry. Bancroft argues that this is false—abuse is a deliberate choice.

Key facts about abusive behavior:

• Abusers control their behavior.
  • They choose when, where, and whom to abuse—they don’t explode randomly.
  • Example: He yells at his wife at home but acts calm and charming in public.
• Abuse is about power, not emotions.
  • Many abusers seem apologetic and remorseful after an incident, but they repeat the cycle because they believe they are entitled to control their partner.
• Abuse is not caused by anger, mental illness, or addiction.
  • While these factors can make abuse worse, they do not cause it.
  • Many abusers are completely in control of their actions—they just don’t want to change.

Bancroft emphasizes that until an abuser stops believing they have the right to control and dominate their partner, they will not truly change.

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The Mindset of an Abusive Man

Bancroft identifies common thought patterns among abusive men that help explain why they continue their behavior.

1. Entitlement

• The abuser believes he is superior and has the right to control his partner.
• Example: “I work hard, so I deserve to be treated with respect, no matter how I act.”

2. Justification and Minimization

• He convinces himself that his actions are not abuse.
• Example: “I didn’t hit her; I just pushed her. She’s exaggerating.”

3. Blame-Shifting

• The abuser refuses to take responsibility and instead blames the victim for his actions.
• Example: “If she didn’t nag me, I wouldn’t have to yell at her.”

4. Double Standards

• He demands loyalty, respect, and emotional support, but does not offer the same in return.
• Example: “You need to listen to me when I’m upset, but when you’re upset, you’re being dramatic.”

5. Manipulation and Gaslighting

• The abuser distorts reality to make his victim feel confused, guilty, or crazy.
• Example: “I never said that. You’re imagining things.”

Bancroft emphasizes that these thought patterns allow abusers to justify their actions and avoid accountability.

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How Abusers Maintain Control

Abusers use specific tactics to keep their victims trapped in the relationship. These tactics often escalate over time, making it harder for survivors to recognize and escape the abuse.

Common control tactics include:

• Emotional and Psychological Abuse
  • Constant criticism, belittling, and invalidation to lower the victim’s self-esteem.
  • Example: “No one else would ever put up with you.”
• Isolation
  • Cutting the victim off from friends, family, and financial independence.
  • Example: “Your family doesn’t really care about you. I’m the only one who loves you.”
• Financial Control
  • Limiting the victim’s access to money so they feel dependent on the abuser.
  • Example: “You don’t need your own bank account—I’ll take care of everything.”
• Threats and Intimidation
  • Using fear to control behavior, even without physical violence.
  • Example: “If you leave me, I’ll ruin your life.”
• The Cycle of Abuse (Love-Bombing, Cruelty, Apologies)
  • After an abusive incident, the abuser becomes affectionate and remorseful to make the victim stay.
  • Example: “I’m so sorry, I love you, I’ll never do it again.”

Bancroft warns that these tactics are designed to make the victim feel trapped, powerless, and responsible for their own mistreatment.

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Can Abusers Change?

Many survivors hold onto hope that their abuser will change, especially if he expresses remorse or promises to seek help. But Bancroft emphasizes that true change is rare—and it requires more than just therapy or anger management classes.

What real change looks like:

✔ Taking full responsibility for past actions (without blaming the victim).
✔ No more excuses or minimizing the abuse.
✔ A fundamental shift in attitude—recognizing that they are not entitled to control others.
✔ Consistent, long-term behavioral change (not just temporary improvements).

Red flags that an abuser is NOT truly changing:

✘ Saying “I’m sorry” but continuing the same behavior.
✘ Blaming the victim for past abuse.
✘ Expecting praise for small improvements.
✘ Using therapy as a way to manipulate (“My therapist says I’m working on myself”).

Bancroft stresses that real change is rare because most abusers do not want to give up their power and control.

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How Survivors Can Break Free

Leaving an abusive relationship is difficult and often dangerous, but Bancroft provides key steps survivors can take to regain their independence and emotional strength.

1. Recognize That the Abuse Is Real

• Many victims minimize or rationalize their partner’s behavior.
• Writing down specific incidents can help clarify the pattern of abuse.

2. Stop Trying to Change the Abuser

• Abusers only change if they truly want to—and most don’t.
• Focusing on your own safety and well-being is the priority.

3. Create a Safety Plan

• Leaving can be dangerous, so careful planning is essential.
• Important steps:
  • Gather important documents and financial resources.
  • Identify a safe place to go (friend, family, shelter).
  • Avoid telling the abuser about plans to leave.

4. Seek Support

• Therapists, support groups, and domestic violence advocates can provide guidance and emotional support.
• Having a strong network of friends or family makes leaving easier.

5. Rebuild Self-Worth and Emotional Strength

• Abuse damages self-esteem and trust in others.
• Healing involves therapy, self-care, and rediscovering personal goals and interests.

Bancroft reminds survivors that escaping abuse is not just about physical safety—it’s about emotional and psychological healing as well.

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Key Takeaways from Why Does He Do That?

1. Abuse is not about anger or loss of control—it’s about power and entitlement.
2. Abusers do not change unless they truly want to—and most refuse to give up control.
3. Abusers manipulate their victims through emotional abuse, isolation, and fear.
4. Leaving an abuser requires careful planning, support, and emotional recovery.
5. Survivors deserve relationships that are based on respect, safety, and mutual care.

Bancroft’s message is clear: If someone is abusive, it’s not because they “can’t control themselves”—it’s because they believe they have the right to control you.

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Conclusion

Why Does He Do That? is one of the most comprehensive and eye-opening books on abusive men and how they think. Lundy Bancroft dispels common myths, exposes the real motives behind abuse, and empowers survivors with knowledge and strategies to break free.

For anyone struggling to understand why an abusive partner behaves the way they do—or how to escape and heal—this book is a must-read.

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References

• Bancroft, L. (2002). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.
• NiCarthy, G. (1986). Getting Free: You Can End Abuse and Take Back Your Life.
• Forward, S., & Torres, J. (1986). Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them.